Donning Red

An excerpt from the fictional series Wokest Tales of Truth.

We all know Little Red Riding Hood as an old-timey European folk tale, but what if it took place in modern-day America? Now, sit back and enjoy our presentation of Little Red Riding Hood as told from a hyper-Americanized perspective. For the comfort of others, please no smoking.

Red hon, I just got off the phone with your grandma. She’s stuck in bed with gout because she refuses to go to the doctor. Can you deliver some food to her house?

Why doesn’t she just go to the doctor?

Well, honey, she refuses to participate in socialized medicine. She believes the last president was a secret Muslim hell-bent on destroying America. She rejects anything his administration implemented. She thinks the previous president hated her freedoms — and she’ll do anything to stand up for the America she so dearly loves.

Is that why she’s on Facebook complaining everyday?

Now, Red, can you please just deliver this basket of canned goods to your grandma?

Okay mom.

As she left the house, Red put on her red-white-and-blue hoodie. It was her favorite. Her dad gave it to her right before his deployment. He was a Navy Seal that served his country proudly.

Being a Millennial, Red always sought the easy path through life, so today she decided to take the shortcut through the woods despite what her mom told her about going the longer more secure route.

As Red walked through the woods, a wolf spotted her coming.

Hello dear, don’t you look every bit of delectable today?

Red just kept walking, she couldn’t hear him anyway because she had her wireless Apple AirPods in her ears while listening to a Spotify playlist.

Being of the wiser baby-boomer generation, the wolf knew he could easily take advantage of this clueless child that walked right by him. He guessed her destination because there was only one house at the end of the road and he jogged as fast as he could.

Upon arriving at the house, out of shape and out of breath, the wolf heard the sounds of FOX NEWS blaring through the windows. He banged on the door yelling “Open up! The liberals are coming to take your guns!”

Granny yelled back, “I never lock my front door! Come in and hide my guns!”

The wolf entered and gathered up all of Granny’s guns and threw them out the window, leaving the poor woman defenseless. Granny was too busy mailing out checks to Republican politicians and coal-mining CEOs to notice. She knew they’d use the money to create jobs and would manage her Social Security funds better than anyone.

The wolf sat by the front door waiting for Red while Granny remained distracted in the kitchen, yelling about liberals.

When Red finally arrived, she popped out her AirPods and knocked on the door. The wolf quickly answered and told her to come in. He had a college loan application ready and waiting, all Red had to do was sign it and she’d be on the hook for $50,000. When she wouldn’t sign, the wolf got angry and approached Red menacingly.

All she could think about was what her dad told her before he left, “the only thing that can stop rampaging evil is a good-guy with a gun.” After the initial pop, Red’s ringing ears heard nothing as she emptied a magazine of Black Talon hollow-points into the savage beast. When the body hit the floor she re-holstered her concealed-carry firearm.

Granny! It’s me, Red! Are you okay!?

As Granny emerged from the kitchen carrying an apple pie, she and Red turned to the American flag that flew majestically in the front-yard. With right hands over hearts, they recited the Pledge of Allegiance. America had become great again.

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Comedy Writing 01

A brief attempt at being funny.

It was Rich’s birthday and everyone was there, sounds of party games filled the air, and wrapped presents were everywhere. It was finally time for cake, and Rich loved nothing more than cake. Mmm tasty cake. But what kind of cake would it be this year he wondered to himself. He liked it to be a surprise. “Happy birthday to you!” came the song and presentation of the cake. Rich’s smile dropped. It was cheesecake. He could tell with one look. The rage began building, all internal safety systems failed. “RUN!” yelled Rich’s friend Michelle as she finally noticed the cake that was in front of him, “IT’S CREAM-CHEESE PIE, IT’S NOT REALLY A CAKE!” But it was too late, Rich’s fists double-smashed the cheesecake sending a snow-storm of goop in all directions. Poor Jim, who was closest to the blast looked more snowman than man.

The table of ladies were talking about post-pregnancy woes.
“I’ve heard the application of a potato poultice is a good remedy for hemorrhoids,” said one.
“Waxy or russet?” asked Rich.
The table erupted with laughter. Rich sat there still wondering which type of potato to use.
Rich never told a joke in his life, yet often found himself in the epicenter of raucous laughter.
Based on a true story.

Rich: Man I tell ya, I’d like more of them biscuits. Y’all want some? Else imma fittin to finish ’em.
Michelle: I thought you were from Massachusetts.
Rich: Yes ma’am, southern Mass.

Man on stage: We’ve got to support the president and his policies!
Crowd: Boooo!
Man on stage: I mean the president you just voted for!
Crowd: Yaaaay!
Man on stage: We have to reject the president’s irresponsible and dangerous policies!
[Silence]
Lady in the crowd: Wait, which president, incoming or outgoing?
Man on stage: The one you didn’t vote for!
Crowd: Yaaaay!

Standing at the corner of an intersection, a right-wing fundamentalist preacher was giving a sermon on the dangers of liberals and their ungodly ways. He told the crowd they should shout out their disgust and proudly proclaim that gays and gun-grabbers were ruining America. Just then a scruffy bearded CEO of a tech-startup in sandals that earned three doctorates from Harvard and two from MIT stepped to the front. The bearded man said calmly, if your backwards ideas were true, man would never have landed on the moon. The preacher said, man never landed on the moon it was a hoax, as he smiled conservatively. Then explain that, said the bearded man as he pointed to the sky. The crowd gasped as a Falcon 9 rocket self-landed where the preacher had been standing. The preacher jumped out of the way just in time to declare himself the real victim. He cursed Obama while running back to his trailer to watch Fox News. Just then, Elon Musk parachuted down safely inside a command module – he opened the door and the onlookers were instantly convinced that they existed within a simulation and immediately volunteered for a one-way journey to Mars.
Adaptation of an Atheist Professor meme

To Play or Not To Play

An excerpt from the fictional tales of The Revelation of Genesis.
The comic-book story of a character named Genesis
.

Why would I seek to change what so many seem to enjoy? To upend society in order to reshape it in the image of my own ideals? That sounds more like the work of a super-villain than savior. Is suffering not a part of life no matter the method of society’s organization? Who am I to criticize the structure that already stands?

I will simply sit quietly on the sidelines and not interrupt. Just imagine a group busily playing until I intrude, insisting they stop their game and play mine instead — how impudent of me. Even if their game includes what I perceive as violent abuse, perhaps I simply lack appreciation for the underlying nature of their game.

Of course, if from the sidelines, as I sit quietly, they drag me into their game, then a problem develops. Am I to sneak away, continually hiding myself from view each time I’m found? Yet to exist puts me in their line of sight. And no matter my stealth, the cries from their game penetrate my ears. I become weary, my sleep restless.

So you’ve summoned me. But your game is not the one we will play. The illusions upon which you base your lives will become the tools of your undoing. And from the ashes, a new way will rise: the last shall be first, and the first last — and so will begin the epoch of the meek and merciful. Woe to he who persecutes the weak, for I shall remember you on the day of judgement.