Donning Red

An excerpt from the fictional series Wokest Tales of Truth.

We all know Little Red Riding Hood as an old-timey European folk tale, but what if it took place in modern-day America? Now, sit back and enjoy our presentation of Little Red Riding Hood as told from a hyper-Americanized perspective. For the comfort of others, please no smoking.

Red hon, I just got off the phone with your grandma. She’s stuck in bed with gout because she refuses to go to the doctor. Can you deliver some food to her house?

Why doesn’t she just go to the doctor?

Well, honey, she refuses to participate in socialized medicine. She believes the last president was a secret Muslim hell-bent on destroying America. She rejects anything his administration implemented. She thinks the previous president hated her freedoms — and she’ll do anything to stand up for the America she so dearly loves.

Is that why she’s on Facebook complaining everyday?

Now, Red, can you please just deliver this basket of canned goods to your grandma?

Okay mom.

As she left the house, Red put on her red-white-and-blue hoodie. It was her favorite. Her dad gave it to her right before his deployment. He was a Navy Seal that served his country proudly.

Being a Millennial, Red always sought the easy path through life, so today she decided to take the shortcut through the woods despite what her mom told her about going the longer more secure route.

As Red walked through the woods, a wolf spotted her coming.

Hello dear, don’t you look every bit of delectable today?

Red just kept walking, she couldn’t hear him anyway because she had her wireless Apple AirPods in her ears while listening to a Spotify playlist.

Being of the wiser baby-boomer generation, the wolf knew he could easily take advantage of this clueless child that walked right by him. He guessed her destination because there was only one house at the end of the road and he jogged as fast as he could.

Upon arriving at the house, out of shape and out of breath, the wolf heard the sounds of FOX NEWS blaring through the windows. He banged on the door yelling “Open up! The liberals are coming to take your guns!”

Granny yelled back, “I never lock my front door! Come in and hide my guns!”

The wolf entered and gathered up all of Granny’s guns and threw them out the window, leaving the poor woman defenseless. Granny was too busy mailing out checks to Republican politicians and coal-mining CEOs to notice. She knew they’d use the money to create jobs and would manage her Social Security funds better than anyone.

The wolf sat by the front door waiting for Red while Granny remained distracted in the kitchen, yelling about liberals.

When Red finally arrived, she popped out her AirPods and knocked on the door. The wolf quickly answered and told her to come in. He had a college loan application ready and waiting, all Red had to do was sign it and she’d be on the hook for $50,000. When she wouldn’t sign, the wolf got angry and approached Red menacingly.

All she could think about was what her dad told her before he left, “the only thing that can stop rampaging evil is a good-guy with a gun.” After the initial pop, Red’s ringing ears heard nothing as she emptied a magazine of Black Talon hollow-points into the savage beast. When the body hit the floor she re-holstered her concealed-carry firearm.

Granny! It’s me, Red! Are you okay!?

As Granny emerged from the kitchen carrying an apple pie, she and Red turned to the American flag that flew majestically in the front-yard. With right hands over hearts, they recited the Pledge of Allegiance. America had become great again.

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Provision of Aid

An excerpt from the fictional tales of Nathaniel Acorn.
Circa 1790. Massachusetts.

And what of you Eli, was your practice in law not made possible by your father’s assistance? And you Malcolm, was your shop not funded by your uncle’s investment? And you Samuel, was your crop not saved by the toil of your cousins that arrived in a time of crisis?

When we speak of government-provided aid, we intend it for those with family incapable of providing the support you so enjoyed. To say you were self-made men reliant upon your determination, is a mythology only suitable for building egos, and is an affront to our Creator and our community.

If church and charity were enough, we would not require government’s participation. Yet there remain those in need, proving that our varied and independent congregations are incapable of providing sufficient relief. It is therefore the work of government to make up for this shortfall, and provide for the common good.

Government is instituted among men to carry out the decree of our Creator, to manage the resources he provideth, distributing them according to what is just: meat to those who hunger, drink for the thirsty, and clothes to those without. Else, how shall we answer when gathered before our King, inasmuch we have done unto the least of our brethren, we have done unto Him.

I, therefore, with the eyes of the Supreme Judge of the world upon us, recommend we enact such legislation as to enable government-provided aid for those in need. To the detractors that say some may receive without merit, I say by what merit did you earn your family name and the station upon which you entered this life? It is our duty as a nation whose very foundation is freedom, to allow all within it, the opportunity to pursue their inclinations and to seek happiness. Shall some cheat, and take more than what is fair? There are cheats in all realms and endeavors, shall we abolish those as well? Nay, and in the spirit of brotherly affection, so all may benefit from our mutual good fortunes, let us perform our sacred duty, honoring His law, to love thy neighbour as thyself.

Live Free or Die

An excerpt from the fictional tales of Nathaniel Acorn.
Circa 1775. New Hampshire.

Shall we be ruled by the capricious desires of a tyrant and his minion? As free men, do we not have rights guaranteed by our Creator? Are we ruled by the Lord of Heaven, or by a man claiming to be our lord, perhaps believing himself a surrogate for the Almighty? At best a charlatan, at worst a blasphemer, is it not our duty, as subjects of the Creator, to cast out this devil?

And in its stead, put into place not masters, but stewards of our resources, those who on our behalf, manage that which rightfully belongs to mankind. Let these not be positions of power, but mere representation, performing the will of the people. A role not of betters, but of equals, differentiated by task alone. And lest a man forget his custodial duties, let us regularly evaluate his character by way of vote.

It is to this I pledge my life, performing my sacred duty to the defense of rights God-given. Provided by Providence, yet not guaranteed from thieves adorned in finery, seeking expansion of their treasury by way of our toil. A toil not worth our time if the fruits of labor are not our own, so let us live free, or die.


Note: This is also what I imagine when I see a New Hampshire license plate, whose motto reads: Live Free or Die.

Nathaniel Acorn

Nathaniel Acorn, an American Man

Chapter 1: Interrogation

“I will not ask again, rebel, tell us the location of your weapons cache!”

“For free men to be free, they must have the means in which to defend themselves. I cannot –”

“We are all the protection the people of this colony need! Tell us, where are the weapons being stored?”

“I cannot reveal –”

“Enough of this, put him in irons, no food or water, let this man’s ideals be his nourishment.”

Chapter 2: Marching Orders

“Sir, our scouts in Concord have returned with reports of suspicious activity amongst the locals.”

“This is what I’ve been waiting to hear, dispatch the regiments to Concord to find and remove those weapons. Order in the colonies cannot be achieved while these locals have access to stores of ammunition and cannons.”

“Very good, sir.”

Chapter 3: Rally To Arms

“They say their coats are red to hide their blood, I say we put that to the test!”

“Easy now, young William, we are all subjects of the crown, it is just a misunderstanding that needs clearing up, surely we are all reasonable beings.”

“Although he is young, William is right, the time for reasoning has come to an end, Jonathan, we have explained our part and they have explained theirs. We fought beside the regular army against the French and Indians, and now they treat us as their crops, harvesting our taxes to fill their coin purses.”

“But it was precisely the cost of that war that has led to the increased taxation, Nathaniel. Surely we owe our part?”

“Our share was paid with our blood and toil, and if more is needed, let them ask it of us, not demand it.”

“Nathaniel, what you are proposing is treason, are you so disloyal to the crown that you risk your life as well as ours?”

“I do not consider myself a patriot or loyalist, but a lover of liberty, and should my blood spill whilst in her defense, may my last breath utter the phrase, ‘I am a free man’.”

“Here, here, sir! I will gladly join your ranks!”

“That is good to hear William, and what is your decision Jonathan?”

“Though my wife is again pregnant and my shop requires its shopkeeper, I am, as always, on the side of the righteous. I pledge all that I can offer to this holy cause of liberty.”

Chapter 4: March to Concord

“Oh what a glorious day for a march, is it not, Davis?”

“You’re a daft one Evans, Boston to Concord, glorious? This march is not my idea of amusement.”

“Ah, but it is our duty to leash these rebellious dogs and teach them at whose hand they feed.”

“Bold words Evans, but to remove the dog’s teeth, we are entering its jaws.”

“Quiet you two, we are merely out for a stroll, let us not declare our plans to the entire countryside.”

“Sir, over there, it looks as though the rebels have come out to greet us today.”

“Indeed, let us show our appreciation of their hospitality. Harris, extend to them our warmest regards by way of musket ball. We shall spank these rebels and teach them who is the law of this land.”

Chapter 5: American Made

“So Nathaniel, it looks as though your wish has been granted, blood has been spilled in the defense of liberty. But how is it you are not in the highest of spirits? I thought this news would delight you?”

“Can a sane man delight in the death of others Eli? From the beginning, I had hoped for a reasonable outcome from polite discourse. It was only after repeated bullying that we, the colonists, finally stood up for ourselves. But I am left wondering if we are prepared for the cost of this insurrection and whether we’ve gone too far.”

“If the oppression of our government is as bad as the Patriots say, perhaps you should be breathing a sigh of relief.”

“Forever an Englishman, Eli, I see with whom your loyalties lie. But the die is cast, there is no more arguments to be had for or against. You should become accustomed to thinking of yourself as an American.”

“Ha ha, and you think old King George is going to give up his control of the colonies just like that? Oh, Nathaniel, ha!”

“No, not without a fight, but what can an army of mercenaries do against an army of freemen?”

“Freemen indeed! Like young William and Jonathan the busy shopkeeper? These are your warriors Nathaniel? How can they stand against the King’s finest? I am no more a lover of high taxes than the next man, but I am practical as well as a loyal subject of the crown. Wake up from your slumber Nathaniel, your dreams can only turn into nightmares from this point.”

“Practical, yes Eli, you are practical. And no, it’s not practical to love a thing such as freedom. But is longevity your goal in life? If so, perhaps Jonathan can find a place for you on his shop’s shelves.